I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED