My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol