I saw nothing
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The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.