*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.