I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times