How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You Might Also Like
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Maths meets science
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My therapist after every session
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato