Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Oh we’ve met.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”