Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.