I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ