4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
This is my favorite one of these!