HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.