I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
the simulation is moving too fast
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word