My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Good dog. ❤️
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.