[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.