Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Woke up against my better judgment again
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”