I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
You Might Also Like
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.