A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.