“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.