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Happens to everyone.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola