Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).