Thursday Thought.
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I put the h in mysterious.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.