Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested