Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
When I said I liked it rough.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
that de-escalated quickly
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.