Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle