started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
That’s no pocket rocket.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
How animals would run if they were human
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential