The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
You Might Also Like
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home