My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.