Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.