Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.