I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that