Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…