“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
🙂🐾
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?