Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch