Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Lol.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“That’s what” – She
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.