Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
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Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water