Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Welcome
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?