If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!