7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
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It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.