“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Smile they said.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice