None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You Might Also Like
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
oh my god
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud