heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes