Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.