I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god