ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.