Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I found your tweet-up…
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.