When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.