Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look