Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.