my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Saw online –