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If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.